Monday, 3 May 2010

What am I Asking?

What is this need we seem to have to believe that we have to justify our existence? I find myself torturing myself with what I have not achieved, or trying to console myself by tallying up what I have. As if there was going to be a reckoning on my deathbed.

So Zom, what have you done with the life I gave you? You weren't very good at keeping a beautiful house. You didn't have any children, so you must have been pretty selfish. You didn't get much recognition for your art, so you must not have been very good at that either. Why did you wait so long anyway, you should have been out pounding that pavement when you were young. Isn't that your justification for not having children? Did you really work hard enough? What have you accomplished?

But when I try to argue my accomplishments, I don't find that convincing either. Paintings I have done, classes I have taught, a home in the bush, adventures lived, seem irrelevant. Some say it is all about your relationships. Surely that is a place of sweetness, but I haven't done anyone enough good to justify my existence.

So, what does it come down to? Do I have to be a saint? A worldly success? Famous? A mother? When I examine it, it all falls apart. Why do I torture myself like this?

But when I think of my dear ones, my friends, my students, acquaintances, even strangers on the street, I would never feel the need to judge them by such hard assumptions. Then I know the truth, that we are Enough. We are each an individual flower, exquisite in our unique expression - and we don't need to Do anything. It isn't about what we do or achieve. We are Here because we are Wanted. In all our wonderful imperfection.

God made me, you, everyone the way we are because She wanted us. Just that way.

(another post inspired by the wonderful Nollyposh.) tee hee


Anonymous said...

Beautiful Zom! I have reached the same conclusion, I write because I want to, and I make art because I want to, it's just in my spirit to do so regardless. And it makes me no better nor any worse than anyone else who did more or less.
Thanks for this.

rhomany said...

You can 'do' everything and have the nice job and the clean house and lots of friends and travel and the 2.4 kids and still not be able to say you had any fun.
I think in the end, if they ask what I did with my life, it will be enough for me simply to be able to say 'I really enjoyed it'.

Poetic Artist said...

I do not know. I am still thinking about the what if?

nollyposh said...

My dearest Zom, You are my sister, my mother, my child, all wrapped up in one... You are an ancient Soul with the artistic gifts and wisdom of the Elders ...and i am so lucky to have had my life touched by such a Beautiful One <3 <3 <3

Karin Bartimole said...

Dear Zom, I felt sad as I was reading how your thoughts were torturing yourself, but felt so glad and lifted as you turned it around - I hope you know that you are touching people in ways you don't know, reaching out and making a difference just be being. Your presence in the world is indeed a perfect meant to be thing that needs no justification!! To Be, fully, one's self is a great achievement.

I don't know if you saw, but I did post the video tutorials of the mandala journal last week - I know you were interested, so I thought I'd let you know I finally finished them!
Sending you a big hug! Karin

Zom said...

Some days your demons just come up and grab you. Thank you dear ones for the kind and loving words.

Mary Helen-Art Saves Lives said...

I too felt a sadness for the weight you are carrying in an unnecessary waste of energy. God does know what a gift you are living and have given in such a short life. The journey is not an easy one...I feel as if I am always being evaluated and judged for my worth so your feelings are not felt in total isolation. Sharing these feelings takes an enormous amount of courage and strength. Please remain calm and take one stroke of the word of poetic justice and make each moment your own. Standing still is essential for our journey. Imagine and Live in Peace, Mary Helen Fernandez Stewart

jane said...

oh, it's when these types of torture/thoughts attach themselves to me at night and don't let me sleep....

i suspect big thinkers, creative dreamers, deep ponderers will always have to risk stirring up the muddiest waters. The lows are darker, the highs brighter, maybe? WHo knows? I only live in my own head.
loving you and missing journalling class! Jane