You already know that I have been struggling with the beginning of my new series.
On Monday I went and met with a precious mentor of mine and amazing artist, James Guppy.
After a cuppa tea and telling him what I am working on, he gave me some advice. It wasn't comfortable but it was valuable. He pointed out that I am still struggling with some of the same issues I was talking about nearly a year ago - but obviously still haven't fully confronted. Issues of technique. He is english and very polite and always gives his advice gently and with respect.
He suggested lots of experimentation. Many quick studies with a time limit of 20 minutes. So I spent Tuesday gessoing cards and rethinking what I want to paint.
Wednesday I got my hair cut (remind me to show you. I have it short, short, short now.)
Thursday I went into the studio and was... crippled by self-doubt. It came in waves. Waves of self-doubt and everything-doubt. It took constant effort not to give in. To ignore it. Not repress the feeling nor debate with the thoughts, but to simply not listen. I still felt the debilitating lack of confidence but I ignored the message. You know what I mean? When your thoughts are telling you that your ideas are stupid. That you will be humiliated.
This is so loud that it has disconnected my ability to evaluate my work. I can't get past it. So I am not trying. I have done my early morning note taking, the way I get messages from my guides. I think I know what I want to paint, so I am just going to go ahead and do it. Not knowing if it is stupid, if it will be crap. Just trusting that my powers of evaluation will eventually return.
I said to a dear friend today. "I think I know what I want to paint, I just don't know whether it is a crap idea. I have this feeling that even if it is stupid, I need to do it."
My dear friend said "you need to follow your soul".
That might be it.