Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Where I Have Been

I want to tell you guys where I have been.

If you have been reading my blog for any time, you probably know that I am Australian. You might not know that I am also American. I immigrated here from the States 26 years ago. I haven't been back to America in seventeen years.

Last month I went back.

My parents have been dead for a long time, but I have a sister living in Seattle. She is schizophrenic, and as far as we know, lives on the street. She has always denied being 'crazy'. There doesn't seem to be any way to help her. She doesn't seem to want it.

She has two almost grown children. That is one of the big reasons I went back. I had met them both on facebook and wanted to meet them in person.

So it was a very intense and life-changing 4 week visit to Seattle Washington. Now that I am back home one of the questions on my mind is: how to take internal change (getting to know my family and all that it means) into everyday life? I suppose one could argue that if you have changed, you have changed, and nothing needs to be done. But in my experience, past habits are strong and change needs to be supported by how I live.

Habits are difficult to change. But as our daily life is largely made up of patterns that run unconsciously, changing these can be one of the most supportive ways to bring the New into our lives. I feel my heart is opening in new ways and my priorities are changing. This is so deep that I almost am unable to think about it.

So how can I live in a way that will support this change? I don't have answers to that question, but I am searching for ways to find some. I am looking for indicators. I am watching where my energy goes and how I spend my time. I am seeing what seems to nourish this opening, and what pulls me back into old ways. I am noticing what I value now.

I am writing down all ideas, all possibilities. I am making space for the New. I am delaying evaluating these ideas. I am delaying reaching conclusions. Why delaying? Because in my experience the New has seasons just like nature. And if I try and force the seeds, they won't grow to their full maturity.